Life as a chaotic, asocial introvert

Isabelle 'Nocturnaliss' Apel
3 min readMay 5, 2020


Photo courtesy of Free-photos on pixabay

I’ll admit: I first joined Medium in an attempt to ‘reach out’ to people. Then, when I realized it wasn’t quite what I was looking for, I stepped away. Been absent for over a year now.

And my (temporary?) return comes with a cross-post from my Facebook page. Why? Because, somehow, it feels right. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll reach the eyes of people who need to read this.

I believe in trusting intuition. It’s telling me to post this text here. Thus, I obey.

Let’s be real for a second.

Life is so painfully hard when you’re a chaotic, asocial introvert who, on top of that, wants to break through as a writer.

They’ll tell you, ‘you gotta reach out to people’! Yet your instinct is to either curl away into your shell, or to reach out in completely unrelated ways because you just need the laughter to even manage to break through the anxiety of doing things that just don’t feel natural to you.

No one tells you how to reach out to people ‘authentically’. And no one can teach you that. Because no one knows what it’s like to be in your shoes.

I’ve recently started learning about ‘branding’, and being consistent with your message. But how in all hells are you supposed to be consistent when your personality shifts from one day to the next? I’m not consistent : I fluctuate.

Even this post here has a completely different tone from yesterday’s happy go-vote theme (and you can still vote — what for? Check it!). Today, I just feel like crying and screaming because I’m not getting anywhere.

And then I wonder: who else out there could benefit from my struggle? Who can relate to me, and perhaps find some solace in knowing it’s not just them — or, rather, that they’re not the problem?

These are the days when I wonder if I shouldn’t make a life blog again, because, after all, mine is also a Tale from Aeyuu. I *am* the world, and the world is me. Maybe that’s what I needed to remember again. Maybe forgetting this is what makes me feel so dissociated from everything and everyone.

One of my life goals is to help people through their own issues. Right now I wonder how I could translate that to writing.

… and, tomorrow, maybe I won’t care so much. The day after tomorrow, I may come back around to this, then the next day I may not. I am what you’d call ‘flaky’, on the outside. Inside, there’s very clear direction, with all roads leading to Rome (or, y’know: Aeyuu).

And this is why life at 39 can get very tiring for me. When you’re chaotic, you live several lives all at once — and many more when you’re a writer. No wonder my mood fluctuates a lot 🤣

But, even within chaos, order can be found. That order is what I’m trying to expand on, to understand, so I can build it a stronger base. A hard feat, when all the pieces you get to build with shift form and matter of their own accord.

Yet, you keep trying. Because *not* trying simply isn’t an option. It isn’t a part of that authenticity — of who you truly are inside. There’s a Dragon roaring to be heard in there, and one day it will be.



Isabelle 'Nocturnaliss' Apel

Trilingual Dark Fantasy writer hailing from the Kingdom of Belgium. Chaotic good. Weaver of emotions and heartache.